My mind.

I had a friend once ask me how I view the world. I always felt odd in doing so, but here is my world:

I feel them all around me.
I feel cameras at every place my life guides me.
Am I the object of some bizarre voyeur?
When I hear people laugh,
I know the joy they take in my pain.
When a woman looks away from my affections,
it's because she sees I'm broken.
So completely broken.
I try to detract myself with beauty;
sunsets, women, delicate chaos,
but it always remains.
That monster in my mind.
The monsters watching me.
The monsters setting up my demise.
Constant monsters.

drift

I’ve been drifting along
Caught in the storm.
Holding on for dear life.

My hands are made rough
Scratching for the mast,
As the wind knocks me off course

Does it say?
Does it say that the rain is right?
The storm, does it bring the night?

Then one day it came,
Moments that fade,
The sun that glows in your eyes.

The air that stood thick,
feels soft on my neck,
As the breeze swirls by.

I smile as I see
that land up ahead
it makes the tempest
worth the toss.

the demons and cripples

I fear the demons and cripples
Inside
Their momentary release
Scars my skin
Like so many razors
Gliding over crimson
Harsh realities
Illuminate harsher lies
I've told myself
The game ends the same
For demon and cripple alike
The toll is absolute
You can do nothing
But yearn for what's behind you
And in that pillar of salt
You have only your
demons to cripple you

A man

I was born and died of this day.
I rose and fell on this land.
I fought and surrendered to this foe.
I ached and I soothed this wound.
I prayed and cursed this soul.
I breathed and suffocated on this air.
I tumbled and flew over this cliff.
I nurtured and killed this person.
I mourned and reveled in this death.
I am and I can't be.

Tread

I will walk on pebbled roads,
feel with each aching step,
the jag and point of each stone.
Those rocks will pierce my souls,
blood will drip on each grain
I step over.
The masonry of the path I tread,
shows itself
in my gait.
The stonework
of a million broken, calloused hands
reflect
in the light touch of my step.
The earth and ore,
the minerals and crags,
the boulders and jewels,
they shall all
be the metal
of my heart,
of my mind.
Those cobblestones
will lead
to land of milk and honey,
where that roads is
lined with
rosemary and bay.
It is in that land
where I shall finally
rest my weary feet.

placemarker

As I sleeplessly write this I have been reflecting on past posts.
I read about how low and dissolute my life was; and I begin to think is.
I wonder if it's God's way of keeping me in check. Making sure that I don't have or think beyond my means, beyond what I am supposed to have or be.
I think God wants me to drown. Maybe not completely but a little, and no matter the amount it's still scary with your head under water. The cold water filling your chest like death's butterfly opening it's wings. Hot and cold, in and out.

Purpose and Meaning

Drowning for the sake of swimming
Sinking for the sake of rising
Walking for the sake of falling
Drinking for the sake of sobriety
Crying for the sake of bravery
Loving for the sake of affection
Howling for the sake of silence